"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' I said 'I careered off the road.' :_b_link__:

Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it

Paddy weighs 20 stone, and decided to go to see his doctor to see if he could sort himself out.

His doctor put him on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day and repeat this for two weeks & you should lose 5lbs" said the doc.

When Paddy returned to the doctors after the two weeks the doc was stunned, Paddy had lost 4 stone!

"That's amazing!" said the doc.

Paddy nodded, "I'll tell yer be Jesus, I taut I was gonna drop dead by da third day"

"What from" said the doc, "Was it hunger?"

"No" said Paddy, "from all that flamin skipping!!!!"

After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.


Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug to depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the UK newspapers read: ' English archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots.


One week later, 'The Kerryman,' a southwest Irish newsletter, reported th following: 'After digging as deep as 30 meters in peat bog near Tralee, Paddy O'Droll, a self taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Ireland had already gone wireless.

How to make a woman happy

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:


1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY


2. Bring beer
_________________
Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead.
Just walk beside me and be my friend.

1. Two blondes walk into a building....you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...

3. xxxx

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high.

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off.

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual."

13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy".

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure: you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my Mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think it's Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat ### censored word ###"

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

23. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb As digging continues into the night!